The Bush Administration moved Friday to loosen its enforcement of the Clean Air Act on heavy industry. A task force headed by Vice President Cheney called for a review of the way industry is required to comply with air pollution laws.

In a press conference to announce the change in policy Cheney said, "Clean air, schmean air. These are dangerous times we live in and it's just not possible to comply with the provisions and still make powerful weapons of mass destruction in large quantities. This move enhances our national defense capabilities. Besides, this will be good for industry and the economy and with the administration in jeopardy of losing it's popularity due to the economic slump it was an easy decision."

Critics say the move will result in more acid rain, as well as more deaths from asthma and respiratory diseases, as a result of the additional pollutants, primarily nitrogen-oxide

Cheney unveiled the government's newest weapon in the war on terror, the EPA approved 3 pound burger

and sulfur dioxide. Cheney went on to point out that cows and pigs are actually the biggest polluters, releasing billions of cubic "whatevers" of methane gas each day.

"Maybe we should focus on the vegetarians. If they all started eating meat, just think of the additional animals that would be removed from the planet, thus reducing the amount of pollutants being released into the atmosphere," Cheney said, also suggesting that hunting seasons should be lengthened and several large animals should be stripped of their "protected" status. "Do we really need Bison anymore," he wondered aloud, "or are they just gas machines killing our ozone?"

"This is the biggest regulatory rollback of the Clean Air Act in its history," said Frank O'Donnell, executive director of the Clean Air Trust, an environmental group long ridiculed by the Republicans.

Mark Van Putten, president of the National Wildlife Federation, added, "this decision will choke the people and wildlife of this nation."

Cheney responded to the seemingly pre-written criticisms in a second briefing late in the afternoon.

"Wah wah wah, that's exactly the same thing they both said when we announced we were going to open our national forests to heavy logging, bury nuclear waste in New Mexico, and drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico," stated Cheney, using the "wah wah wah" argument not seen in national politics since Reagan's disastrous Iran-Contra testimony. He continued, "Those people are so one sided. They just don't see the big picture. The solution to the whole problem is not punishing heavy industry for simply doing its job, the real solution is eating more beef and pork. I'm suggesting all Americans should at least double their daily intake. This is national security we're talking about here. You're either with us or against us." Cheney then cut the press conference short, because he was running late for an appointment at his cardiologist.

In related news, liberal Republican Christie Todd-Whitman, who left her job as Governor of New Jersey to become the head of the EPA in the Bush administration, cried herself to sleep again last night.