The holidays are upon us, which often means you will be spending lots of time with the extended family. This can result in some "Family Friction" as we at the US Press like to call it. So in order to insure that you get the most out of your holiday season, we have outlined the three most common problems we've experienced in our personal lives, and how we've successfully dealt with them.

Problem #1 - Uncle Al, Grandpa Fred, or which ever male relative it may be, just can't keep his hands out of his pants.

Uncle Al? Nah, couldn't be.

He doesn't seem to be playing or digging for anything, he just always seems to have his hands buried in his trousers. Often it's in the kitchen (most likely down the back of his pants, standing around bored, often slightly scratching) or sitting on the couch watching television (the classic hand down the front, with the button undone, even half asleep). You try to convince yourself that he's not really touching anything, his hands aren't inside his underwear, and it's just a nervous habit, but it's just not working. This is especially disturbing when he insists in helping with the meal preparation or playing with your children.

Should you pull him aside and tell how you really feel, or should you jokingly ridicule him in front of the entire family, hoping he'll become more conscious of the matter?

Through experience, we've discovered that the answer is neither of the above. Ridicule just isn't nice, and we've found that honesty never really works. These men are usually too old and set in their ways to change their bad habits anyway.

Here's what you do... Trick him into helping only with the food that is going to be cooked... thoroughly! "Grandpa, why don't you help with the turkey. It's too heavy for us to lift, and your so good with wild game. Let us girls make the salad." This will make him feel masculine and important, and besides, that turkey you're eating (if not cooked properly) contains more germs than Uncle Al's butt anyway.

Another method we've found effective, is to pretend to spill dish soap on his hands anytime he comes near the sink, or hold his hand and tell him you love him, "not realizing" that you had not washed all the soap off of your hands. "Oops, silly me."

These tactics, combined with the reassuring fact that 95% of most crumbs and hairs will be cooked away (as long as you accidentally "burn" dinner), should ease your mind and make for a happy and tasty holiday meal. As for the playing with your kids... don't worry, they're doing the same thing as Uncle Al, and even worse.

Problem #2 - Old Fat Aunt What's Her Face always has to put her 2 cents in, and she thinks her pennies are worth more than yours. Oh we hear this over and over again.

"My Aunt Janice just can't keep her mouth shut," says Mary Neville, of Baltimore, Maryland. "She always has a better way of doing everything, from cooking to shopping to living my life. Oh, she just makes me so mad. I don't know what to do. It's ruining my holiday season."

Believe us, we know this problem all too well. There seems to be at least one of these people in every family. This situation can get quite ugly if there are two of these people who disagree with each other at a gathering. It can downright deadly if there are three. So, what should you do? Just ignore her and accept her for what she is? Tell her to butt out, and mind her own business, risking making her even more angry and vocal?

Once again, through trial and error, this is what's been most effective for us. You'll never change this type of person. She's been in denial about so many things for so long, that she's covered it all up with food and attitude. So forget about telling her off. She's meaner and way more bitter than you could ever be, and would probably leave you shaking and in tears. And that old "just accepting her" thing. Who are you kidding? You want to show this bitch in the worst way, don't you? Here's what we recommend.

If you can handle it, mix just a miniscule amount of cat, dog, or even human pooh in with her meals. You can slip it in her coffee, her second dessert, or even her second helping of the main dish. She'll never know, it wont hurt her, and it will bring you incomparable satisfaction. You'll be nodding and laughing at her every snotty comment. It's amazing how that works. If you just can't bring yourself to play with pooh, we've also found that scrubbing the toilet with her toothbrush or running her hairbrush (or underwear) through the attic insulation can be quite effective as well. No matter which course of payback you take, we guarantee you'll have a much happier holiday, knowing that you truly have the upper hand.

Problem #3 - Your in-laws or relatives have overstayed their welcome. Ahh, another common problem. After all, it's the most joyous time of year, and you just can't ask them to leave. Maybe they're less fortunate than you and they enjoy your big house so much they are just having a hard time packing up and heading back to the trailer park. Or maybe

You still here?

they just really enjoy spending time with you and don't want the special time to come to an end (this is a red flag that signals an extreme danger). Or maybe they're just cheap, and want to live off of your food and shelter as long as possible. Well, no matter how close they are, there is a time to go, and the time is now.

Once again the question is, should you confront them with your feelings? I think you know our answer to that one by now. Should you drop hints that it's time to go? They're probably too stupid to get the hints. Or should you pack their luggage for them and kick it and their asses out in the snow? Oh the dilemma.

Our suggestion... don't get mad, get disgusting. Not only will this make them want to leave, but it will make them think twice about coming back next year. Quit bathing, shaving and flushing the toilet. Pass gas at meals. Pick your teeth with the serving forks, and then put them back in the dishes. Use their deodorant, and let them know how much you like the smell. Pick your toes while watching TV, and even ask them to smell it and then eat what you pick out. Start asking to borrow their underwear. Urinate in your house plants. Heck, you may even try the hands down the pants thing like Uncle Al. Whatever it takes. This is your space, and damn it, you want it back. You can always tell them that you're sorry later, and that it was just the egg nog talking.

In any event, we hope that you all have a joyous and safe holiday season. If you would like us to recommend solutions to any other of your holiday problems, please email us. We will be happy to get the ball rolling in the wrong direction.

Sincerely,
The US Press