The nation's top economists were on hand today for a press conference kicking off the annual Hooray for Wealth Forum, a yearly gathering of those who benefit most from the moneyed underpinnings of our great society. Experts were proud to announce that, while layoffs continue, and prices for necessary commodities such as food, clothing, medicine and shelter continue to rise alarmingly, the nation's top 1% of income earners have seen their assets continue to multiply and increase.

"This apparent success is obviously positive, and we would all do well to consider such news as a sign of progress," said Cecila Brompton, a spokesperson for the Forum. Brompton went on to suggest that those who wish to succeed should emulate these lucky few.

"Success is good, and failure is not. These isolated sectors of society that continue to experience socio-economic difficulty need to realize that they are failing to succeed, and they must take responsibility for their failures. Hell, none of us will do it for them."

Members of the media were quick to point out that while wealth is good and poverty, as rare as it may be, is certainly bad, it is safe to say that success is a key ingredient to gaining riches.

"Just try and name one successful person alive today who is rich and has failed to progress," said a slightly tipsy George Will. "I think you'll find that the most successful tend to be among the richest, too. Like me, I'm successful as a writer and since I'm always right, now I'm rich. Not as rich as I'd like to be, but I'm on my way, and that means I'm progressing.

"What exactly does a successful guy have to do to get another Long Island Iced Tea around here?"

So those who can't succeed, well, that's just tough beans!"

Fox News Pundit/Genius of the New Age Bill O'Reilly agrees, "Although everywhere I stand is a de facto 'No Spin Zone', I don't see how one can say that success is in any way detrimental. And I'm not just talking about wealth, either. Take the war in Iraq, for example. We, er, I mean, the coalition continues to make progress, and this means that we are meeting with success. There's no conceivable way we can put a negative spin on something so good, and I have to say that this must be progress."

A few members at the Forum press conference wondered aloud whether Brompton's logic would stand up under scrutiny. These "nattering nabobs of negativity" were promptly rounded up and successfully escorted off the premises, something event sponsors were quick to point out as just one more positive sign, and therefore, even more indicative of success.

The Hooray for Wealth Forum is an annual event co-sponsored by the Heritage Foundation and the American Society for Redundancy Society.