The U.N. Security Council will meet today to discuss possible sanctions against the tiny South Pacific nation of New Caledonia. In what is technically still a French territory, local pro-independence "freedom wanters" are suspected of stockpiling large numbers of bows and arrows.

"These weapons of minimum destruction possess a short range and pointed threat to all U.N. nations," stated Secretary-General Kofi Annan.

New Caledonia is said to be stockpiling bows, arrows, and archers in both the North and the South leaving only the middle beaches of the country available for vacationing Australians.

"The great world powers who have long fought imaginary nuclear wars no longer have means to stop fast flying arrows."

President George W. Bush will soon be asking Congress for an additional 54 million dollars for defense spending. Bush's new military plan involves restarting research into the "star wars" defense system and the rapid development of extra large wooden shields for foot soldiers.

"The so-called 'freedom-wanters' of New Caledonia don't want freedom," Bush said in a statement somewhere outdoors today, "They want to use their bows to draw back time and release hatred towards those that they don't understand, specifically their French masters. And, while I'm not one to go around willy-nilly backing the French, this brewing revolt against modern day imperialism must be quelled, for the stability of that region and the benefit of all U.N. member countries."

Bush also addressed past administrations' lack of foresight into the bow and arrow problem. "Certain administrations, which I won't name, have focused too much of our country's efforts into nuclear weapons and overly accurate tanks and missiles," stated Bush. "It's a sad fact that the U.S. has been too lax in defending against arrows since defeating the Indians in the Civil War."