"There's nothing worse than wandering into a bad part of town," said assistant to Mayor Street, James Whitey. "We want everyone, and by everyone I mean rich people, to feel safe to come into the city and spend money. Lots of money. No one is going to do that if they're constantly worried about ending up in the wrong neighborhood."
Measures enacted by the city will include signs directing tourists and shoppers away from the bad areas, as well as new color coded maps, with the good areas in white and the bad areas in color. While guide maps are already in place downtown, they only show the good areas (Old City, the museum, Chinatown, the shopping districts and so on). These signs, said city officials, failed to distinctly point out the bad areas, instead pointing them out simply by omission (North Philadelphia, for example, is nowhere on the old maps). Further, at the borders of good and bad areas, twenty foot signs will be erected warning people away. Next to the signs will be flashing lights and sirens. As a final attempt to discourage movement between the two areas, fences of barbed wire will be strung along the boundaries.
The signs will read as follows: "Warning: You are entering the bad part of town.
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| The Liberty Bell will be brought back into commission to joyfully announce the twice daily opening of the fence gates. |
Critics question how the city will establish what areas are designated as good or bad.
"Anyone who asks that has obviously never driven through a bad part of town," Whitey said. "I mean, you just know. All of a sudden, the buildings are run down, everything is closed or has bars on it, there are pawn shops and Islamic mosques and there's always some guys just hanging out on the corner and you know they're watching you - with their baggy clothes and baseball caps pulled low and they've got a forty bottle in their hand or something…" Assistant Whitey shivered. "It scares me just thinking about it," he said.
Some also question why the bad areas seem to be predominantly inhabited by minorities.
"Hey, they don't have to live there," Whitey said. "There are plenty of great homes in the good parts of town. "I own a very nice townhouse in Rittenhouse, for example, that only cost 1.5 million."
The city will also promote efforts to remove the bad elements from the good parts of town. For example, in a program similar to the one instituted by New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani in the 1990s, all the homeless people in the good parts of town will be placed on a bus and shipped to northern Canada. However, to preserve the "gritty, urban feel" that suburbanites pretend to love about the city, they will then be replaced by professional actors who will enact the part of crazy or homeless people.
"Think of them as the actors in Colonial Williamsburg," Whitey said. "Give them a quarter for their performance - it'll make you feel better."
Those who still desire an urban feel have several other "safe" options, as well. "South Street is great if you want to pretend you're on the edge," Whitey said. "In addition to all sorts of 'counter culture' stores in which to spend your money, there are lots of scary looking people with tattoos, dark clothing and piercings. But you don't have to worry, because they're really just rich kids rebelling against their parents."
Finally, tourists can visit the "West Philadelphia" of rapper Will Smith's youth, located right next to the posh campus of Saint Joseph's University. "Many people don't realize it, but Will Smith is actually from a good part of town," Whitey said. "And yet, because a rapper grew up there, you can tell your friends you were in the ghetto! How's that for 'flavah,' huh?"
For more information or a copy of the city's new color coded map, visit Phillygowhitey.com.
